I need to post more. When things aren’t going well or I don’t have anything “motivational” to say, I tend not to write. I want so badly to be a leader and set a good example. But I can’t do that if I write negative, cranky, draggy posts. And who wants to read about someone failing? And, quite honestly, how many times can a person write “I’m still in the 180s and not feeling so great” anyway? It gets old. But then again, if I’m only blogging when something exciting or happy occurs, I’m not going to blog very much (which is exactly what’s happening).
The truth? I spend most days feeling physically awful (which, of course, makes me feel emotionally awful). I’m not talking about the occasional “off” day or a slight lack of energy. I’m talking about several days each week when I can barely get through each day. I always wake up feeling exhausted or I wake up feeling tired and less than two hours later, complete exhaustion hits me. I’m never tired enough to sleep peacefully and I’m never quite awake or alert enough to function during the day. And it’s not just mental alertness. It’s whole-body fatigue that’s so overwhelming that it essentially renders me useless to myself or anyone else. You know how you feel right before you get sick? Run-down, disoriented, tired eyes, etc? That’s how I feel pretty much all the time. Along with this fatigue comes nausea, confusion, headaches, and yes, depression. I look at other people and marvel that they seem to have enough energy to get through each day.
The odd thing? I have one or maybe two days a week when I DO feel okay (and on those days, I have lots of energy and it’s as if I’m viewing the world in High Def). The rest of the week? No.
Today is a good example. I woke up feeling a bit sleepy even after 8 hours of “rest.” My legs and feet felt a bit numb as if I’d just gotten off of a treadmill. Strange. I had a breakfast of oatmeal and a protein shake and planned on going to the gym. Within an hour, I felt lightheaded. I spent some time checking email (even though it was really hard to focus) and seemed to feel worse as the time passed. “Here we go again,” I thought. It was really pissing me off. The best way I can describe it? Imagine being drugged without your consent. I loaded up my gym bag anyway and left the house. I hoped a workout would perk me up. I had to really focus on driving. I planned on stopping at the store for a few pre-workout bananas but as I walked toward the building, my legs felt so weak I knew there was no way I was going to be able to workout. I wanted to just lay down in the parking lot. I got a few things at the store, came back home and laid down. I felt asleep for three hours (usually I can’t nap) and woke up still feeling exhausted. As I write this, my whole body is aching. Not actual pain but just … overwhelming fatigue. I am literally TIRED of this.
How am I going to go to the gym and improve my health when I can barely function? I have actual lists of things I want (and need) to accomplish. But I can’t. I can’t get anything done. Preparing meals has become overwhelming. My house is a disaster. I’m behind on homework and money-making projects. I’m training at a new job and can’t focus on what I should be learning. If this keeps up I’m sure I won’t have the job for very long. I’ve even stopped scheduling time with friends because more often than not I end up canceling since I’m always too tired or “out of it” to go anywhere or do anything.
Going to the doctor about all of this isn’t an option. First, my insurance doesn’t kick in for a few months (and there’s no money). Second, my doctor is useless anyway (she’s the kind of person who’s more interested in dispensing the latest meds instead of actually providing heath care). One example: my chronic insomnia was “treated” with “here’s a prescription – now go away.” No matter that chronic insomnia can be a sign of “more serious conditions” and I am unable to sleep without the benefit of some chemical substance. Those of you out there who simply lay down at night and fall asleep and feel normal each day? I envy you.
I don’t know what to do to make myself be okay. I don’t drink caffeine after 2pm. For the most part, I’m not eating sweets or chocolate. I don’t eat anything containing MSG. I take multivitamins. I’m eating smaller meals throughout the day (and even more vegetables). I take Vitamin D and Acidophilus (which have helped me stave off colds). I’ve increased protein and decreased carbs. I’m wondering if I’m allergic to something. Dairy? Wheat gluten? Maybe a health and beauty product? My laundry detergent? Is this some pre-menopausal thing even though I’ve had no other “symptoms?” It has to be something.
I’ve been under a serious amount of stress both emotionally and financially and haven’t talked to anyone about it. For the first time in my life, I’m just keeping it all inside. I’m wondering if my body’s “condition” is a reflection of that. Worse yet, on the days I DO feel good, I go overboard trying to get things done because I don’t know how long it will be until I’ll have an “okay” day again. It just adds to the stress.
Either way, I now dread going to bed each evening and dread waking up each morning (and then dread getting through each day). That pretty much covers my entire existence. Not good.
Do you ever want something badly but do nothing about it? If so, feel free to worship me — because I am your queen. 
